You're Doing It Wrong

In theory, Owen O'Donnell and Jimmy Guterman's book, “The Worst Rock-And-Roll Records of All Time: A Fan's Guide to the Stuff You Love to Hate”, sounded fascinating. As a fan of all things “hater-related”, I expected to see scathing indictments of beloved records that prompted never ending discussions with people who would only half hear me out. While some of the top 50 was bothersome at best,(The inclusion of Greatest Hits collections from America, Donovan, and Journey, respectively, all warranted double takes), there was certainly no outrage to be found.

Among the top ten were old standbys like “Metal Machine Music”, and at least one album by The Shags. Rick Astley and Starship were listed in typical fashion. There was no mention of “Trout Mask Replica”, which is always surprising, as it is a record that I do like, but am totally understanding of any one's disdain for it. Tom Cochrane's “Life is a Highway” didn't make an appearance, which made me giggle to myself while imagining the two authors getting “way down” to my personal worst song of all time.

After skimming much of the book, I started thinking: “How fun would it be if someone compiled a list of bands that had the worst influence on music?”. Bands that may be great, but have been the catalyst for terrible bands and genres to form. Bands that inspired, at best, mediocrity, and at worst, Coldplay and Hot Topic.

I've attempted to compile just such a list below, in no particular order. Again, I love subjective arguments that go on for hours and hours almost as much as I love meth. Those two loves not being mutually exclusive, I will await your comments.

Neutral Milk Hotel - Jeff Mangum really got away with one on In The Aeroplane Over The Sea. No one should be able to wallow that deeply in their own feelings that much. But he did. And no one else should bother trying. Please! Stop Trying!

Radiohead -When you are as good as Radiohead is, you can get away with being a pallid, whiny bunch of holier-than-thou curmudgeons. The problem is that no one else is good enough. That very much includes Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow and Muse.

Eric Clapton - Apart from being one of the most genuinely despicable people in all of rock and roll, Slow Hand is responsible for giving people like Stevie Ray Vaughan the courage to be a white blues artist. That's to say nothing of his capitalizing off his neglectful parenting.

Ramones - They led to bands like Green Day, Descendents, Misfits, even newer bands like King Tuff and No Bunny, which is all well and good, but this also led to scads of bands that shat all over their paint by numbers barre chords legacy.

Bob Marley - I was certain that I hated reggae across the board until I realized that it was just Bob Marley whose legacy was ruined by white guys with dreads and freshmen frat boys. It took Toots & The Maytalls to make me realize that I do like reggae, just not when Bob Marley or white people are playing it.

Alanis Morrisette - She tolerated both Dave Coulier and Ryan Reynolds for years. She's played God in a Kevin Smith film. She's played a hilariously somber version of “My Humps” on a viral video. Sadly, she told us in song that she doesn't really understand the definition of “Irony”. But, her Jagged Little Pill was swallowed by millions of women looking to feel empowered about fifteen years ago. Which would be fine, if it didn't give people like Taylor Swift the idea that they have the right to make music.

Dr. Dre - Unfortunately, The Chronic signified the end of the boundary-pushing acts that made the late 80's/early 90's such a great time for hip-hop. Public Enemy was waning as was the entire collective known as the Native Tongues/Zulu Nation. Since it's release at the end of 1992, Dre and Snoop's success with Gangsta Rap left little room for creative ambition*, leaving a wide open lane for rappers who do little more than boast of their sexual exploits, material wealth, and criminal history in it's stead.

Talking Heads - Every time I hear what is called “world music” at a coffee shop, I shudder just a bit, then fantasize about punching David Byrne. I hold him singularly responsible for every pony-tailed, sandal wearing, New Ager that I see.

Social Distortion - Mike Ness and company put out no more than two decent albums in the eighties. Since then, he's been a guidepost for identity crises. Are you an androgynous Orange County punk rocker? Are you a tatted-up greaser? Are you a disciple of quasi-outlaw country? I don't think Mike knows, either. Either way, he's made it acceptable for other people to wrestle with this genre-melding quandary, and I'm not comfortable with that. Fusion and compartmentalization make for shitty bedfellows.

Fishbone - Speaking of “fusion”, this seemed like a good idea at the time. However, Fishbone's legacy is white dudes trying to meld styles that have no business in the same room. I also blame them for Primus.

The Judgement Night Soundtrack - Again, fusion. “Hey, I like rock music AND rap! Why not combine them?” Well, because you get the diametric opposite of “You got peanut butter in my chocolate!”, and end up with something more like, “You got hemlock in my carbon monoxide!” You can blame this single album for everything from ICP to Limp Bizkit.

Pantera - This band made sure that, from now on, my time at metal shows would primarily be spent avoiding the jacked up homunculus wearing their shirt, so as not to get my nose broken again. Also, they inspired those same cretins would start bands named “Shiftfist” or “Punchdrive”. And “tough-guy metal” was born. Thanks, Phil.

Velvet Underground - When a band does so much with so little, it's truly awe inspiring. That's the problem. It gives the masses the idea that they can do it too, and the general population can't be trusted. It's why communism doesn't work AND why every self-indulgent group of artistic junkies can't be The Velvet Underground.

Joy Division - see above

Nirvana - Even though it's tempting to blame Eddie Vedder for the unintelligible, constipated warbling that dominates commercial rock radio these days, Nirvana paved the way for Pearl Jam' s success, so...see above.

Black Sabbath - Sure, they gave the world metal. But for every Voivod, Slayer, Melvins, etc., there are 1,000 bands like Godsmack.

Sly and The Family Stone/Parliament/Funkadelic - Sure, it's no fault of their own, but you can't deny that they inspired these dipshits, and it's hard to forgive them for that.

*It should be noted that Outkast is pretty much the lone exception here.