Dunchyburg Address

Brave New World

In 1999, Bruce Dickinson and Adrian Smith rejoined British heavy metal legends Iron Maiden for a world tour, reconvening arguably the most infamous lineup (plus one) of the greatest heavy metal band of all-time. The following year, it was announced that an overhauled classic Iron Maiden would issue a studio album of all new material. Whatever on Earth could new Maiden with Bruce Dickinson back at the microphone sound like? After all, these guys were, like, old now.

Confessions of a Bad Liberal

I’m a tree-hugging, NRA-hating, gay marriage-supporting, Whole Foods-shopping, NPR-listening, atheist, feminist, borderline socialist liberal. Ask anyone who knows me, especially members of my family, who find my liberalism “cute,” “ naive,” and something that I’ll “grow out of one day” [author’s note: I’m 40 years old]. The vast majority of my friends and colleagues are also card-carrying liberals, and the few libertarians I know mainly just want pot to be legalized.

Hurricane Sandy’s Handy Dandy Supply & Demand-y

Hurricane Sandy messed up New York and New Jersey more than the crack game! But you gotta be smoking crack to think that government price controls help people. If you think I’m straight gassin’ you: I got two for five! Two for five over here, baby!!!

Enchantment Under The Sea

I smoke. I am a smoker. On more than one occasion, I have been known to lift a cigarette to my lips and set the end of it alight, setting off a chain reaction of events that placate and elevate certain synapses within my brain while soundly and certainly destroying other delicate tissues within my body. The knowledge of this slow and willful series of assaults that I commit against myself will, in turn, churn up a murky cocktail of guilt and panic and rounded out by a splash of smug defiance- always, always, always leading to the next cigarette.

Johnny Gillete vs Nick Prueher

The Eye of the Voter

“Choose your cup, cast your vote. 7 Election.” – 7-Eleven ad campaign

“Open your window. If you hear gunshots and the wails of starving babies, the other guy won.” – The Onion

Election years must be hard on rational people. In addition to the constant barrage of advertisements and information from candidates, parties, Super PAC's, issue-oriented groups and various news outlets, there’s also a non-stop feed of opinions and links from politically-charged people who aim to convince you that their guy is good and the other guy is an evil harbinger of an impending apocalypse which will soon follow the election of the wrong candidate. I’m guilty of participating in this rhetoric of urgency and I’m sure a lot of you are too. I do it because the other guy makes me mad and because I believe I’m right, but when I take the time to check in with my rational self I am reminded that we all need to chill the fuck out and do the one thing that actually does matter in all of this, which is, of course, to vote.