There's What's Right, and There's What's Right...

Nicolas Cage is the star of one of my favorite movies of all time. In Raising Arizona, he played H.I. McDunough, a career criminal who seesawed hilariously between "recidivism" and the pressure from his new wife to settle down. Cage's quirks were perfectly suited to the Coen Brothers' offbeat humor and it seemed like he would have been poised to become a formidable movie star. And he was. For a while. Sort of.

As the nephew of acclaimed director Frances Ford Coppola, he changed his name early on his career in order to avoid accusations of nepotism, and oddly enough, in homage to Marvel Comics' superhero Luke Cage. In fact, Cage lost the role of Dallas Winston to Matt Damon in The Outsiders, which was directed by Coppola.

So, nepotism being ruled out, Cage went on to score a number of great roles. In the five years after Raising Arizona alone, he starred in Moonstruck, Vampire's Kiss, Wild at Heart, and Honeymoon in Vegas. With those bona fides, The Cageman(TM) should have been the next Nicholson: the equally talented and quirky, go-to actor who was nothing if not consistent. Sure, later on there would surely be missteps like drug problems, costarring with Adam Sandler, but those would be years away. Right?

Yes and no. For the next three years, The Cager (TM) would star in films that no human being has ever seen: Guarding Tess, Deadfall, Red Rock West, etc. Then, in 1995, there was Leaving Las Vegas. Based on the semi-autobiographical novel by John O'Brien, Cagey (TM) stars as Hollywood screenwriter Ben Sanderson whose alcoholism has cost him his job, family, and friends. Ben subsequently goes to Las Vegas to drink himself to death. While in Vegas, Sanderson, while driving drunk down the strip, almost mows down inexplicably attractive prostitute Sera, played by Elizabeth Shue, who he develops a relationship with.

That year Cage won both a Golden Globe and an Academy Award for his performance. And rightfully so. His performance in Leaving Las Vegas was great. It seemed that he had found a way to both tone down his idiosyncrasies and make them his greatest assets simultaneously. The problem is that while onstage accepting a fucking Oscar in front of the world, he had a smile on his face: the smile of a man who had already started filming The Rock as Dr. Stanley Fucking Goodspeed! The smile of a man who, and I believe this, had every intention of starring in some of the worst goddamned films ever committed to celluloid!

The next SIX years went something like this:

Con Air

Face/Off

City of Angels

Snake Eyes

8MM

Bringing Out The Dead

Gone In Sixty Seconds

The Family Man

Captain Corelli's God Damned Mandolin!!!!!!

Take a moment to think about how bad those movies are!

OK, then.

Now, when I'm not high-profile blogging, I have a wildly successful career as a stand up comic.

(I hung out with Bobby Lee at Neptune's once, no big deal.) For years I've done a bit on stage that simply involves me quasi-drunkenly explaining the plots of some of the aforementioned films:

"Dude, they get a plane full of the world's deadliest criminals, cuz... I dunno they gotta go somewhere, but shit goes CRAZY wrong, dude!"

And it gets laughs! I'm just saying what happens in Con Air! And people laugh! The plot alone of some of those movies is enough to cause people to ROTFL in real fucking life!

Then, in 2002, it happened again. Cage starred as Charlie Kaufman and his twin brother Donald in Adaptation alongside the indomitable Meryl Streep and Tilda Swinton. Although i found the film confusing and ultimately plain old boring, critics lauded Cage's fat-suited performance and he was nominated again for an Academy Award and a Golden Globe, although this time he won neither.

Now, the last TEN years have gone something like THIS:

National Treasure

Ghost Rider

Next

National Treasure 2 (Electric Boogaloo)

Bangkok Dangerous

Knowing

The Sorcerer''s Apprentice

Season of the Witch

Drive Fucking Angry

Ghost God Damned Rider 2

OH! And in 2006, there was Wicker Man! A laughably terrible remake of a seventies film that I had only scene clips of on YouTube. Until yesterday! Next week I'll begin a series of examinations of some of Cagematch's(TM) worst films starting with Wicker Man and ending with the sequel to Ghost Rider and a gallon of arsenic. In the meantime, enjoy this beautiful compilation of overacting and violence against women.

While it would seem that we are long overdue for another legitimate acting turn from The Cagemonster ™, this report from 2009 may explain why we'll probably be waiting a while. After all, as the old saying goes, shrunken heads don't dust themselves.

Nicolas Cage filed a $20 million lawsuit against his former business manager Samuel J. Levin alleging that he was reckless with his money, including doing such things as not paying taxes, which is the reason Cage now owes more than $6 million in unpaid taxes. While Cage blames mismanagement for his financial ruin, The Daily Beast is showing another perspective, revealing the actor purchased more than a dozen houses, two islands, dinosaur skulls, shrunken heads and at least 50 cars. "[He] spent money like it was water," a source said.